Why You Shouldn't Read Superhero Comics

   So you hate Brand New Day. You think Dan Didio is on a religious crusade to kill off or pervert every character you love. You think Jeph Loeb should exile himself to an arctic wasteland that metaphorically represents his writing ability, that Denny O'Neil should be the only person ever allowed to write Batman, and that by writing and directing three very flawed films George Lucas somehow managed to invent time travel for the express purpose of finding and physically abusing your childhood self.

   Granted, "you" don't exist. But still, imaginary fanboy/girl: chill out. You probably shouldn't read super-hero comics anymore. Or at least some of them. You appear to be in a deeply unsatisfying relationship.

 

  Now, I know what you're thinking, imaginary fan (because I made you up): "But I love Spider-Man/the X-Men/the Teen Titans/Pre-Crisis Earth II Huntress! I've known the character(s) better than Joe Quesada/Dan DiDio/Random TV Writer Looking for Extra Work! Why should I stop reading my favorite comics just because some hack writer/Mark Millar has ruined every identifiable characteristic about him/her/it/them?"

   You have a good point, but not in any meaningful sense. I'm afraid to tell you that if a comic doesn't make you happy anymore, if you can't stand the torment of knowing Brian Bendis

doesn't feel the same way about The Wasp as you do, then get out. It's a waste of time getting angry. Break up with Brian Bendis and his overly wordy comics, his inability to write distinctive character voices, his man-crush on Luke Cage, his male-pattern baldness. It's not your fault he killed Hawkeye (even if he did, you know, bring him back). It's not your fault things went bad. It isn't. Really. You didn't do anything wrong. When Mephisto, who everyone knows is a stand-in for the devil, made a deal with Mary-Jane Watson Parker to make Spider-Man forget their marriage, it wasn't your fault. You didn't force Maxwell Lord IV to kill his long-time friend Ted Kord. You didn't make Grant Morrison write Final Crisis as if it were an opera. "I know," you say. "That's why I'm so angry!"

   

   The problem as I see it is that you act as if you have no power in this relationship. If you're getting mixed signals, if you don't understand where Power Girl comes from now (Atlantis? Krypton? Earth II Krypton? Pre-Crisis Earth II Krypton or Post-52 Earth II Krypton?), and it makes you angry every time you see her incredibly disproportionate, and often frightening, bust...don't buy her comic. If you hate that Hawkeye uses nunchucks instead of a bow and arrow...don't buy his comic. If you hate that mask Mr. Terrific wears, that weird "T" thing that covers only the parts of his face that he would actually use, if you hate that Beast is a cat now, if you hate that Wolverine is on three different teams, and will regularly be featured in six monthly books, if you hate that Damian is going to be Robin...then don't buy their comics.

   Because you deserve better than to be angry every Wednesday/Thursday in Canada. You can always read the old stuff again. You can try Scott Pilgrim or American Flagg!, something by Matt Kindt or Joe Saco. If you want, you can wait to see if someone you like starts writing Justice League Whatever. Don't buy comics that you hate. For any reason. At all. If you get physically sick at the thought of Bendis's Avengers, Dark or New, don't buy them.

   Of course, if you really do like Bendis's Avengers, and are just the complaining sort...then try complaining about something else. Like Dollhouse.